Advice For A New Dad: A Series of Guest Posts Part 5

So it's official...I'm a dad. My twins were born last week and that means I don't have time to blog. In my absence I asked some friends, acquaintances, and some people I don't know to guest post. Today's post is provided by the following: Leanne Shirtliffe. Leanne is the mother of six-year-old twins, William and Vivian. She blogs at IronicMom.com, where her motto is “If you can’t laugh at yourself, laugh at your kids.” When she’s not parenting, writing, or being walked to her car, she teaches middle school, where dealing with other people’s kids seems remarkably easier than managing her own spawn.
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In order to offer cutting edge and original advice to a new father, I decided to do some primary source research. I took my six-year-old twins, William and Vivian, out to a restaurant that supplies kids with wax crayons, and I interviewed them.


Here is the transcript, minus the broken crayon tantrum.

QUESTION 1: What would you say to a dad who has just had twins? What is important for a daddy of new twins to do?

Vivian: He should make sure the twins like each other.

Me: How do you do that?

Vivian: You trick them.

William: You have to play with them.

Me: How do you play with them?

William: You play jumping on mommy.

QUESTION 2: What should a daddy do if he’s alone and both babies start crying?

William: Play jumping on mommy.

Me: But Mommy’s not there.

William: Why not?

Vivian: Sing a Rock-a-Bye song.

QUESTION 3: Finish my sentence. Babies are __.

Vivian: Cranky.

William. Mom, do you know how to jump checkers?

Me: Answer the question. Babies are what?

William: Happy.

QUESTION 4: Babies are happiest when __.

Vivian: You lift them up and spin them around.

William: Mom, can we go see Killer Whales sometime?

Me: Answer the question. When are babies happiest?

William: When you make funny faces at them.

QUESTION 5: The #1 job of a dad is to __.

Vivian: Do joking.

William: Mom, can I have a cookie for dessert?

Me: Answer the question. What’s the most important job of a dad with babies?

William: Play games.

Me: What kind of games?

William: Tic-Tac-Toe.

QUESTION 6: Mommies are happiest when __.

Vivian: They go out writing.

William: Mom, can I watch Transformers tonight?

Me: Answer the question. When are mommies happiest?

William: When they’re tickled.

Vivian: Mommies also like compliments.

QUESTION 7: The best way for daddies to help mommies is to __.

Vivian: Give them ideas for writing things.

William: What? I wasn’t listening.

Me: What’s the best way for a daddy to help a mommy?

William: By showing her the way to the car.

So, Rob, whether you’re playing “jumping on mommy” or showing Monica the way to the car, may this advice offer some sort of reprieve from sleepless nights.

And in the words of Anne Lamott, “Having a baby is like suddenly getting the world’s worst roommate, like having Janis Joplin with a bad hangover and PMS come stay with you.”

Good luck with that. Times two.