Advice For A New Dad: A Series of Guest Posts Part 1

So it's official...I'm a dad. My twins were born last week and that means I don't have time to blog. In my absence I asked some friends, acquaintances, and some people I don't know to guest post. Today's post is provided by the following: Tyler Tarver. Tyler is a ha-larious blogger who passionately dislikes all things Hayden Christiensen, makes funny videos at whatthejazz.com, teaches math for a living, and has a son named Titus with his wife Amanda. Enjoy!
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When Rob asked me to write a guest post I went straight to my computer and procrastinated. Then I looked up at the last minute and I’m finished, and I don’t remember writing it. So…let’s hope for the best.

All my advice is for people with boys up to 8 months, because past that I’m walking with my eyes closed like a Daredevil on a treadmill. That’s a comic book and exercise reference combined, you don’t see that often. You’re welcome Internet.

Advice for New Dads

The 3 C’s: At the 1-3 month stage this kid’s real fresh. You’re pretty much keeping the thing alive. Don’t expect much response from the kid. Also, he’s not great at catch so just put the slider on hold there Greg Maddox.

What you can expect are the 3 C’s:

Crying

Consumption

Crapping

Expect all 3 more routinely than you can expect to see Brangelina on a magazine on the checkout aisle.

My advice, master the diaper technique quickly, a well-constructed defecation constrainer is like gooey green music to her ears.

The Golden Retriever: A dad’s job for the first few months is a glorified Fed Ex worker. The wife needs a water? Get it. Baby? Okie dokie. Sandwich? Here ya go. Sprite when none is located in home? Ten minutes to a gas station at 1 am, be right back.

Titus had been sleeping through the night for about a week or two cause of this whole Along the Infant Way book (which is like excellent baby advice on crack for Christians), and my wife woke me up to go get him like she did every morning at 6.

Well, I pick up T and start my delivery, when my wife comes in looking at me like I just shot her favorite pick on The Bachelor. Turns out, it was 3 in the morning and she wanted me to go tell the dogs to shutup. Took me an hour and a half to get him back to sleep.

What did we learn class?

Make sure you follow all commands from the Mothership precisely. Lose focus for one minute and you’ll find yourself singing the only line of “Rock-a-by Baby” you know 164 times at 4 am.

Keep your Cool: Most likely, she’s gonna freak about anything and everything. He sneezes, he’s got malaria. Pees too much, he’s got malaria.

You gotta keep your cool like Justin Timberlake building a snowman. Your chillness will counteract her spazziness, which will hopefully land you right where you need at the corner of Concernedness and Calmville.

Anybody else got any advice?

Ps Rob, since you’re having twins, just read this twice.