Reasons Why I Don't Like the Beach

1. There is no air conditioning.
2. I feel dirty walking through the sand and swimming in the pee infested water.
3. Sharks kill people.
4. Riptides kill people too.
5. I have hair on my back.
6. Hot girls in bathing suits. I try hard to guard my thoughts because I love my wife and because Jesus told me to. Going to the beach is asking for temptation. The whole time I'm there I feel like I have to look down just to avoid some girl popping out of her bathing suit.
7. Fat people in bathing suits. I think I can say this because I am one. I try not to be judgemental but the beach just brings it out of me. I see some people in a bathing suit and I think, "they should really cover that up." That thought makes me feel insecure about my lack of a 6-pack because I know people are thinking it about me.
8. During the summer it's hot. I don't like laying out and the water grosses me out. I end up just walking around with my head down sweating to death.
9. Bugs. I don't like em and they are at the beach.
10. Public restrooms. I already feel dirty, but after visiting a beach public restroom I feel gag nasty.
11. It's nothing like the show Baywatch. I'll admit that I've seen an episode or two of Baywatch. That show had action in it. The beach is nothing like the show. No one runs in slow motion and nothing exciting happens.
12. Laying on a towel in the sand is uncomfortable to me.
13. Laying on a pool chair that feels like it's going to collapse under me isn't much better.
14. All my friends pee in the ocean. They try to convince me that this is ok by saying that the fish pee and poop in the ocean. THAT'S NOT OK WITH ME!
15. Being at the beach makes me hungry.
16. I get bored easily there. After about 30 minutes I'm ready to go home.
17. Have you seen Jaws? Nuff said.
18. I like to be comfortable. I'm just not comfortable there. At all.
19. People bring way too much stuff to enjoy it. Chairs, snacks, music, towels, games, and other people. If it was really that great why would you need so much other stuff?
20. I'm basically albino. I hope that doesn't offend any albino's but I'm really white. My skin burns easily so I have to lather up in sunscreen. I have to put on SPF 102 just so I don't burn. I put so much on that when I leave the beach I don't get tan. If I could get tan I'd like the beach more, but since I can't...I say blah.
21. I once got sunburned so bad I developed a heat rash. With a heat rash it blocks your skin from sweating. I sweat. I sweat a lot. This thing was awful! I'd rather have leprosy then have this again.
22. I tend to get hurt at the beach. I cut my foot on something under the water, burn my feet on the sand, pluck out my eye because some girl plopped out her bathing suit, or I just suffer from boredom.
23. Water in the ear, also known as swimmer's ear. This is the same water that fish pee and poop in. Add that to the fact that all my friends pee and poop in it as well and I'm utterly grossed out.
24. My butt crack tends to find it's way out of my bathing suit. I try to cover it but at least once my wife will say "pull up your trunks, I saw your butt." I've bought multiple swimsuits and the same thing happens. At some point I'm going to show some crack, thus causing other people to lust. I can't live with myself knowing I caused someone else to stumble.
25. The beach is supposed to be relaxing, but I leave stressed. I guess I just have too many issues to enjoy it. Whenever we leave I'm relieved of my stress.

Reasons Why I Love the Beach

1. It's one of my wife's favorite places to be. I love it cause she loves it.