How to do deal with problem people

I hate confrontation. I'm a board certified people pleaser. When conflict arises I have been known to run the other way. The problem is that being a leader and a pastor I've had to learn to deal with confrontation. It's not always perfect but here are some things that I have learned to do when dealing with problem people.

• Ask for advice from an outsider. They may see the situation a little differently then you.
• At the same time don't mask asking for advice with gossip. If you are not going to talk to the problem person then don't talk to someone else about them. If you genuinely want help then ask the right person and then go confront the problem person.
• Don't put off the confrontation. If I wait to do it I will end up talking myself out of it and the problem will never get dealt with. It may be healthy to calm down but the person should be talked to within 24 hours of the offense.
• Don't attack the person you are confronting. Let them know that you appreciate them. You appreciate what they bring to the table.
• When you bring up the issue at hand be specific. Don't beat around the bush. They will appreciate it more if you respectfully tell them what the situation is.
• Ask for their opinion of the situation. Maybe they are acting out or causing a problem because of something else going on in their life. It doesn't excuse their behavior but it may bring clarity to you.
• Help them come up with an action plan to change their behavior.

I believe that confrontation is like a root canal. It's painful but at the end of the procedure it helps solve the problem. Avoiding it, or pretending it doesn't exist just makes the problem worse. Deal with the problem person directly and respectfully and the majority of the time you can help a problem person change the problem.