Why I Hate Camping

Every once in a while one of my friends will say something silly like, "let's go camping."  My response is "why don't we use an outhouse just for fun? Why don't we chisel out a book using a hammer on a rock? Why don't we just save ourselves some pain and go to work on our vacation?" Humans have worked hard all their lives to not have to live outside. Going camping is like regressing in time. It's going back to things that we left for a reason. I say we leave camping in the past and spend our vacation days doing something relaxing.  The following are reasons why I HATE camping...

• It's outdoors and I'm not a big fan of nature. 
• Truthfully I don't think nature is a big fan of humans. If it was why is it always attacking us with allergies, poison ivy, and natural disasters? To spend long periods of time in nature is giving it more chances to torture you.
• Sleeping on the ground is inhumane.  I've gone camping and they wanted me to sleep on less cushion then what most people make their pets sleep on.
• The bathroom situation is scary.  I don't like going to the bathroom in the woods and my only alternative is a public restroom that is covered in disgusting.  Add to that the fact that no one feels safe enough to go the bathroom alone.  It's pretty much the scariest place to walk at night. 
• When I tell people why I don't like camping they often respond with, "well you've never been camping with my family." They then rattle off all the stuff they bring to go camping.  If it's really so great why do you need so much stuff?
• Bears. When I go on vacation I don't want to have to even think about being eaten alive. 
• Bugs. I hate bugs and bugs are everywhere when you camp.
• Speaking of bugs, I believe it was the great Jim Gaffigan who said "if it's so great outside why are all the bugs trying to get into my house?"  
• Camping is so miserable it makes the little things seem amazing. For dinner we ate hot dogs and mac n cheese.  In the real world, unless you are under the age of 12, that's nothing to get excited about.  Every time I've been camping people eat the hot dogs and mac n cheese and act like they just ate a steak from Ruth's Chris.
• There is no Chipotle.
• I like to take showers.
• I like to take showers and not have to wear flip flops...aka shower shoes.
• I like to take showers and not worry about getting a foot fungus if my foot slips out of my shower shoes.
• I think s'mores are overrated. They are messy and too much work for not enough enjoyment. Plus pulling out a yummy bar of chocolate is guaranteeing that you'll be attacked by a Bear.
• I once went with a group of friends who wanted to be manly and not use the public restroom.  The first time one of them dropped a deuce it missed the ground and went into his pants.  I don't even want to know how he cleaned that up with leaves.
• I actually like to hike.  It's my favorite part about camping. I don't do it often but when I have gone camping I enjoyed hiking.  What I don't like is the fact that I can't shower and I have to rest my tired body on a hard service known as the ground.
• I've been camping a handful of times. It's rained every time.
• I think movies tell us a lot about things.  You want to know the perfect scenario for a scary movie? Send people camping.  Think about how many scary movies start off with people going camping. 
• I dropped out of Boy Scouts. Going camping reminds me of my epic fail.