Things That TV Doesn't Tell Men About Their Pregnant Wives

You may or may not know that I get really nervous talking about girl stuff. Not girl stuff like trying on clothes, throwing parties where you buy purses, or talking about "The Bachelor." I'm talking about girl stuff that guys can't understand.

I've always avoided this type of conversation. When two girls forget that I don't want to learn about girl stuff and they start talking about it I go to my happy place. This is where I pretend to listen, but on the inside of my mind all I'm thinking about is a Chicken Fajita Burrito from Chipotle.  Mmm...Chipotle. Sometimes though I'm so grossed out that I can't hide the look on my face. Thankfully my wife knows how awkward this stuff is for me and she not only doesn't talk about it, but also tells other girls not to. 

Enter my wife getting pregnant. Up until this point I avoided going with her to the girl doctor.  This is not saying that her doctor is girly. It's the name that I give the place that she visits to check on the health of our babies.  This is perhaps the most awkward place for a guy to visit. The only thing that comes close to me is when I forget that the mall puts girl's undergarments right next to a certain exit.  When I make the mistake of parking near this entrance to the mall I feel like I've entered a foreign land and I don't have a passport.  I keep my eyes down and I walk as fast as I possibly can to get through it.  Oh and the aisle at the store that contains girly hygiene products is one that I avoid like the plague.  I get nervous when a girly product commercial comes on TV. If I ever run for President my platform will be that products that only relate to girls should be shown only during Soap Operas, Oprah/The View, and The Bachelor.  I digress. 

I personally believe that the girly doctor is a place that no man should ever visit. The stuff they do in there makes me say audibly "I thank God I'm a guy." I know that girls are thinking that I'm a big wuss, but this stuff just freaks me out.

Now since my wife has gotten pregnant I've been exposed to a whole lot of information that I didn't know existed. Most of my information on women being pregnant came from watching TV. I knew that they gained some weight (for the record I think my wife looks beautiful pregnant). I knew that they waddled. I knew that they scream, "THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT' at the father during the delivery.  But there are a lot of things that TV doesn't prepare men for. 

• Carpal Tunnel. I didn't have a fat clue that many pregnant women get Carpal Tunnel.  Monica wakes up with pain in her hands. She can no longer open bottles and she wears two braces that look like what Michael Jackson wore in the video for Black or White. Just in case you forgot what that looked like...

• Leg cramps. I didn't have a fat clue that pregnant women get leg cramps. I woke up circa 4:30 AM to Monica crying. She couldn't reach her leg and it hurt something fierce. I started to massage her leg and it felt like a Gremlin was burrowing out of her calf.  Just in case you forgot what a Gremlin looks like...

• The mysterious pregnant line. I didn't have a fat clue that women get a line on the center of their belly that looks like the Equator on a globe. Just in case you forgot what the Equator on a globe looks like...

Now I don't think that I am alone in the fact that girl stuff is straight freaky. In fact there are probably some guys that will think that this post is full of too much information. But if that is you then I hope that I've shed a little light on what you can expect when your wife gets pregnant. This is the stuff that TV doesn't tell you about.